And then I wish I was funny.

This is a long post and an app on facebook told me

"The post "And then I wish I was funny" will require the average of the time a person uses the toilet per day to finish reading and depending on the bowel movement, give or take five minutes more."

I was reading up on a few blogs here and there and I noticed how craftfully *some* people played with words and ideas that just made me burst into laughter.
God!

I wish I was funny too.
You know I can be funny sometimes.
It usually happens accidentally.
I try saying something matter of fact-ly and people actually think I’m joking and start laughing, I then put my best game face on and gawk at them to emphasize the matter-of-fact expression. They stop laughing. Awkward silence follows and then it dawns; the principle "making people laugh is good" in my tiny little cortex and I go like "Yeah you have to admit. It was funny shit though"
And a giggle or a half hearted laugh by all those present fills the air.

It’s been a struggle. It has.  
Being good with words doesn't make you witty; it like you buying some Viagra to ensure you ain't going to knock up that chick you're dating.

That wasn't exactly a good comparison. Now if this is being read by some of my family members, I'm going to be gawked at. Yes.
I'm sorry. I'm nearly turning 19 and I cannot help but talk about stuff and not hide it in like it’s some sort of a vile monster and needs to be buried under a 15 ft high pile of bullshit. More of that later.

I'll rephrase for everyone's modesty and humbleness seeking benefit.

Being good with words doesn't make you witty, just like owning a painting set doesn't make you a Picasa!

(Yes, I'm that illiterate regarding art. Seriously! Joke! Google has jumbled everything in real life with its *AWESOME* [sarcastic] play of words)

Now you're wondering
"This guy is a nut. He attempts at sarcasm which has made me unknowingly flash a half hearted smile which I now realize. That’s something. I know people who have tried to be funny but such ill-gotten was their luck that they only got wet raspberries and fart sounds from the esteemed audience."
If you did not think exactly as the above sentence fully, you're safe. You are safe from the menace of the non funnies in your life. Sad fact ensues that at one point of our lives we do meet such a person and we cannot help but hold our laughter back when we talk to that person and do the opposite when that person isn't around.

Enough of shit talks.

Imma gonna tell you a joke.
Rather it happened for real, so listen up, sit tight and don't skip the next part.

Three guys. Me, A and N are at A's place for a sleepover just before the exams and are catching up on some electronics syllabus the night before the exam.
Blah blah blah Studies
Me-- A, is it true that S lost his virginity?
A-- Yeah man, sad ass shit it was. Seems she was a slut and all.

N is however busy with his studies, perks up his ears at the mention of the word "slut" and cocks his head towards us and asks for the repeat telecast of our 2 liner soap dialogue which somehow resembled that bitch talk that goes on in SATC (Sex and the City and NOT Software Assurance Technology Centers)

N-- Dude what was it that you were talking about
A and Me --- Dude! S lost his virginity...
N-- Yeah. I get that but lost his virginity how dude?

Funny shit eh? Well if you aint laughing I cannot blame you. It sounds better when told and sounds infinitely best when you are there to hear those golden words "Lost his virginity how dude."
At this point, the only thing I could do was roll back on the pillow, clutch it as hard as I could and I started rolling around laughing my ass off.
LITERALLY! I guess that’s the only time I've ever done that. Ha! Good times.

Disclaimer. Do not act condescending on N cuz poor guy, he was naive. A and me gave him a detailed talk on how what and when and then his eyes opened in disbelief to the world that was depicted only those payperview channels in the United States.


Sigh and the non recorded comedy sitcom of "Three full men" [Yes, I can outwit Google with my clever play of words] continued.

A -- *reading some mumbo jumbo part of the electronics textbook* (after 5 minutes) *gets a headache*
*tries breaking the silence by a witty one liner*
A-- Dude, all this silicon shit is too much. Even Pamela Anderson wouldn't have dealt with this much silicon.

Me-- * I just nodded incoherently and gave a single laugh* *Electronics was vast and I had to get good grades or else I'd to pay for it with my freedom*

N-- *looks up* *scratches his head* *turns to A* "Why dude? Is Silicon radioactive?"

Ha! Voila. The worried me vanished. The headache which A had also vanished. We resumed to our ROFLMAO routines (SEPARATELY!) and another 5 minutes of WHAT WHY AND HOW routine was delivered to N who got the one liner at the wholesome end of 10 minutes and started laughing whilst me and A just shook our heads in disbelief.

Yes. True tale! [Outwitted "true story" by Barney in HIMYM... Yes I know. I'm LEGEN wait for it. Keep waiting... yes... a bit more. Nah chuck it... I'm just fine]

Furthermore, someone told me
"A period of darkness can only be vanquished by a wand spell called Lumos"

I searched online at Google [Hypocrite me I know. I detest Google for its play of words but I really don't like the thought of BINGing for something. You know Binging is kinda near to banging and banging for something is plainly stuff for the pornos and hence I am here resorting to Google]
YES! I searched online at Google for "Lumos" and I found out that not only is it a fictional spell but also
1) Part of the name of the website "lumosity.com" (sigh! Bad choice. My 4th grade teacher would have told them its luminosity.)
2) Loads of Fiction archives of HP. (We have cock I mean bloodsucking vampires now! Move over! Joke! HP owns Twilight's sorry ass. Waiting for "Vampires Suck" so badly!!)
3) Lumos is a 3D lighting up application or some shit for I-Phone

And I wonder why nobody ever copyrighted that name? Sigh! I would have. Sounds nice, doesn't it?
Lumos. It’s like saying Lame-OHs! like you're saying Kudos. *Only if you try saying it like a medieval English villain who doesn't give a rat's ass about anything but his sinister plan
(I mention that cuz most of the villains you see in modern days are frankly quite gay. Directors actually put in molestation scenes to imprint the idea that the villain is manly n shit to the audience. Sigh! Where has pure evil vanished)*
Lumos also sounds like Momos! which totally taste like crap :-/

Getting back to that quote, Yes. Since I ain't at Ollivanders peddling Unicorn hair or Dementor shit attached to wand ends, I cannot use that to turn this realm of darkness into a happy rainbow filled world.
I'll make do with some potions.
Yes. I always liked Snape. Trust me I could do the best imitation of Snape ever. My sister will testify that is a fact! Ha! Not sure why I mentioned that. Yes!
Potion.

My potion!
A streak of creative genius, A bucketful of food, a keg of hot tea and a Celeron processor running computer (Who says you gotta return the computer to the vendor for recyling! My computer is outdated I know! But my computer is awesome. When it realizes it’s outdated, it stops being outdated and starts being awesome instead} *Sue me if you want Barney! It’s my computer you want, Take it :P you'll return it back anyways"

Potion time.
added garnishing include - alone time, arguments with a friend and a dash of chaat!

And Voila! You have the best, EPIC, OWNING *and all those new found adjectives that describe awesomeness* potion in the world.

Getting back,
Yes, I might sound funny here but in real life I suck at dialogue delivery ! =| The drama team co-coordinator at my college told me that one day and I was like
*REWINDS BACK 18 YEARS* *FORWARDS 10 YEARS*
"Aah yes, I wasn't the Joke telling guy. I was the clown. I screwed up. People laughed. I laughed more like dipshit. They laughed more and this went on indefinitely."
*FORWARD 6 YEARS* I get complimented by girls that I have this unique ability to laugh at myself and that is special and I go like "Woot woot! Score for the clown! Payback's a bitch ain't it" in my mind to everyone who liked laughing at me than with me when I was this poor stuck up kid. Isn't that so old school sentimental and new school hilarious?
AND then I got back to reality and had my "Ain't that a nut buster!" moment. And I started trying to be funny with conscious efforts. It wasn’t a grand success. It just depended on the jokes I told, you know how much laughter I got.
1)If I went for a Santa Banta joke, I'd get "bah! got that forward. read a million more"
2)If I went for a witty one liner, I'd say it, post it on facebook, claiming it as my own [cuz I only post what I write of course] and then wait for the "likes" to appear and if it crossed 15 likes. Gosh! it felt like I had won 15000 bucks in the lottery. (notice the amount- 1 like = 1000 bucks. Speaks a lot of me. "Human emotions don’t come cheap you know." Somebody else told me that)]
3)If it was a perverted joke, golly! one word mention of anything that speaks vulgarity, gosh! People go DHHIAWL (copyrighted for Doing Hula-Hoops In Air While Laughing)
4)Situational comedy. Now that’s a bother. I suck at comeback lines.

Have you watched Harold and Kumar Go to White castle [I love the movie]
where near the ending Harold faces his bosses and tells them to get back to work and not harass him and shit in owning language?
well Harold engages in a word duel with this Dumbass boss and he calls him a cockboy and tells him that he's stalling for time to make a comeback and this dumbass boss takes his worldly 10 seconds and responds by saying and I quote


"You think I'm not quick enough.
Guy thinks I'm not quick enough.


Well, I've got news for you.
I am quick enough...


...cock boy!"


Sigh! I feel like that dumbass boss sometimes. Imma gonna work on that! :D
I wish I was funny all round and I do not mean to say that I wanna be round and look funny for those dumbasses out there.
I swear on King Kong and Godzilla's social life that I do..
Yes I wish I was funny way too many times. More than how much I think Eva Green is a decent-er match for me than Mendes. That’s me.
What can you do?

Yeah. Do comment.
I really need your feedback so that I can continue writing.
Or else I'm going to be assaulted by aliens coming in from a warp hole just outside my house.
For more details try googling "aliens in my backyard" (my as in my, and not aliens in gautam's backyard)
I am not responsible for any bullshit you might face.
Good day!


P.S Any quotations I might have used by saying "somebody" told me this and that. Well that’s just me again. I've got this whole new two persons within me kinda thing going on. Yeah. It’s on sale in EBay. Go nuts! 

P.P.S Thanks a ton for the Undo button, without which my post would have made as much sense as the existence of a sensible politician in the Parliament!

When life gave me lemons, the world was googling "melons"